This blog has been nothing like I thought it would be.
And yet it seems to be fulfilling its purposes even in its absence. And in its absence, purposes are refined. Bear with me.
Let me tell you about the wind.
It blows. So does my life lately. I've gone through some real low places of discouragement in recent weeks. I keep thinking I really need to blog! But I couldn't think of anything that I actually wanted to share. But now I need to share. I'm starting into this headlong, having no idea where its going. You've got to hear this.
If you've known me for any length of time at all, you know I like to be busy, and involved. If you've known me for a bit longer, you know I am a music lover, and that I have a degree in it. And some of my close friends will know that despite my drive to get that degree, I've always been a bit conflicted as to how to use it. Teach? I have a lot of strengths in that area. But I'm not certified for a public school. Besides, I might burn out on it. Perform? Too much competition. No way I could "make it." Church music director. The geographic area I live in doesn't really allow women to do this. I've applied.
I prayed about this for years as I took a totally different turn with my 'career' and went into medical and publishing industries. But the conflict always remained under the surface. A few years ago we went ahead and followed a church plant call, and another. We believed it was of God. Still do. Little did we know where this would take us.
We've gone from serving the church, to leading in it, and pastoring. Now we feel like leaving.
Conflicts arise. Sometimes making every effort to be at peace, and following the biblical plan for resolving the conflicts still don't work. Sometimes people react out of pain and become unreasonable. I like Wayne Jacobsen's quote: "Anyone who is engaged in real body life will get hurt at times. But there are two kinds of hurt. There's the kind of pain that points to a problem that can be fixed with the right care - such as a badly sprained ankle. Then there's the kind of pain that can only be fixed by pulling away - as when you put your hand on a hot stove." (http://www.lifestream.org/bodylife.php?blid=32)
Well, we decided to take our hands off the stove. It was obvious that despite our best and most Godly efforts, the problems would never resolve or even end.
We've no intentions of becoming heathen, and we have a loose plan. But we are truly waiting on God.
Waiting on the wind.
Some book readers out there will know what I am talking about. One of the editors of that book also wrote another book: So You Don't Want to Go To Church Anymore.
Hmmm.... maybe I should read it.
But I tried staying home. And that blows too....
I miss choir. I miss the huge group of people singing and worshiping God together. I still love God! I still want to express that. He created me to want to.
But what happened to His church, His bride?
And that common wind took me by surprise.
Sarayu. Papa. Jesus. Trinity. The three living in Holy Community. Communion. God wants to commune with us. Not as an afterthought twice a quarter after the Sunday evening service. Not on Easter and Christmas. Not as Eucharist service, as part of an order of service, a sacramental rite, or an agenda.
He wants it all the time. Without agenda.
He wants nothing in return.
He just wants us.
He doesn't want anything but you!
So I am celebrating my Savior. Our communing. And just being His, without agenda. His wind tends to encircle, and not blow away. Kind of like the triune in communion, encircling with a special fondness.
I've heard it said there are no perfect Christians and no perfect churches. Really. I hadn't noticed. So I am learning to find the good, and avoid incriminating anyone, any ministry, any church. We all have our faults. We all have our off-days, our comments muttered in anger. Myself very much included.
Find your place in the body, find the place where you can be. Just be. Find the good parts and embrace them. Try to reconcile the parts that don't seem so good, but don't let your spirit be dragged down by them. Enjoy the beautiful mess.
That's what the west pole wind blew in this week. Month.